Man with a great sense of humour in a boring job seeks whiny shrew for co-dependency, tepid s*x, and shouting matches. I enjoy window licking, p**nography, and self-righteous indignation. I like to run with scissors, pretend I have Tourrettes when in public, and I love to give compliments that prominently display my gender stereotypes. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure. For fun, I enjoy browsing other people's profiles and making shallow judgments about their employment, and social skills. Everything I need to know about life I got from watching Jerry Springer and Jeremy Kyle. I used to have a gym membership, but it got revoked...apparently watching was not allowed. I love my women like I like my coffee; covered in whipped cream and chocolate sauce...What?
In my free time, I have written a thesaurus that included an emphasis on the most useful profanities. I would kill to win the Nobel Peace prize! I have middling intelligence but try to appear smarter by affecting a world-weary air, memorising useless statistics, and chuckling at my own mean-spirited agenda-driven jokes.
YOU:
You are a man-hating, bitter shrew with a misplaced sense of entitlement and utopic expectations. Over time you will blame me and grow hostile when I don't fulfill every need you've ever had. Bonus points if you just finished dating every guy in town but now want to take your turn with me.
My perfect night would include: getting hammered in a s**tty bar while you flirt with every other drunk guy, followed by a loud screaming match, and culminating with a night's sleepover in the nearest police station. I would be open to an unsatisfying fling but prefer a long-term, soul-crushing descent into alcoholism and pills. Age important, as I often condescend to women under 25 and rehash mother issues with women over 50.
Serious replies only, please.
Addendum: Sense of humour, personality, individuality, and the ability to hold a conversation is critically essential!!
That's it, that's all.
P.S. Bumhole bleaching? What in blue blazes is that? Sounds more like changing your ringtone to me!
Instagram: thewaywardbuccaneer
