A lot of people assume my life was great. I'm just putting on an act. So that way others can like me and I can get the attention I need. Please don't even joke around like that. I really don't even have the energy or even understand why people pull those tricks out of the bag anyways. Speaking of bags why do people think I will bag myself up and go back to FB again and sign up? No thank you I'm happy with only having three social medias and not being on something so toxic and a miasma pull. So that's my mog! I don't think so 🌙
I think I can't believe that I've spent that long figuring out I always get the I feel sorry for you card so let me call you pretty. This has also left me for deleting almost all my photos on social media and why I don't take selfies anymore. My psychological state is done. There is so much I can take from this. Also before you guys start throwing ingredients in the stew pot yes my mother when she had me was healthy and when she was alive and when I was in my teens she still never would smoke or drink the only time I ever saw my mom drink if she decided to take a small sip of mead to try other than that she never touched anything. My mom never drank or smoked. I was just born deformed and ugly and my sister was the ''STAR'' and I don't understand why my parents had me when me and my sis are six years apart. Makes no sense. Probably because my sis said she wanted a sister. Also fun fact I almost died as a baby. My cord strangled my neck three times cutting the oxygen to my brain. Apparently the doctors think now in 2021 think I suffered some kind of brain damage and why I show mild/borderline intellectual disorder disability. I really wanted 2 completely slap my psychologist tester for SSI testing. She was like oh I see you got PTSD and Chronic Depression from all the high school trauma which is what happened I was being called you horse this is because I'm bow legged duh! You got beaver and rat teeth and the people that made fun of me did horse galloping movements on how I walked and they would chatter their teeth like a rat and a beaver would and also my name is spelled backwards is Arat and I got called that as well you A RAT LOOK YOUR A RAT! I also got called you rooster! People would mimic how I would walk due to the fact I've a birth defect called pigeon toed. I told my SSI provider I was mentally tortured. I told her I was not suicidal and I never was suicidal. I was mentally collapsing and my psyche started to change. Only 10 people liked me in school by the way. I was made fun of as soon as the bell started class all the way till dismissal to go home. My mom wanted me out of there. I did cry for help but my dad wanted me to continue that school. He refused to take me out of school to a new one and he refused homeschool. He also told me that he never told my mother no about homeschooling me and that he gave me the best teenage year in high school he could possibly think of. However my mom told me something different at a private lunch as in a restaurant where normally not busy and you don't have to scream at each other to talk. My mom told me what dad told me isn't true and I'm in so much pain and I got so many thorns in my heart this has happened to you and I'm so sorry I couldn't do anything for you because your dad told you no. Then her final words were I'm sorry I couldn't do better for you. Also if you want to know what restaurant I'm pretty sure Red Lobster because nobody really shows up at lunch hour. As well there aren't many seafood restaurants in town and pretty sure it was Red Lobster because I loved crab or lobster pasta and that was my mom's favorite place. You guys are probably thinking why don't get you GED? Do I need a piece of paper to tell me I'm not f'ucking stupid? I already know I'm stupid. Special needs the high school I went to labeled me this and borderline intellectual disorder this is what doctors are now calling borderline mentally retarded now is. and I had to take a IQ test which I only scored a 70 or a 79 I forgot but the math part I bombed. The tester showed me some follow the pattern $hit that I never seen in my entire life so I guessed at every single question. I also can only comprehend only 8th grade comprehension. But to me I knew I was f**king stupid. Honestly all the f**king same. Hell the school in 8th grade had to bypass me in Math because I couldn't pass the Staar Test no matter how many times I tired by the fourth try the school gave up. Just like in High School after failing the Staar Essay four times the school gave up. Also didn't help the English teacher told me ''read the instructions and pointed at the book and left.'' As well as the school had zero care to put me into another English class teacher and made excuses there wasn't nobody available for me to go to. Bull $hit. I also find what is Bull $hit I'm really mentally dumb about reality but really smart in the spiritual field. Metaphors and speaking cryptic seems to work best for me but not a lot of people understand that and nobody seems to really catch on to understanding a self phobic person. Speaking of the spiritual field when I started being in my early 20's in the house we were living in I was spiritually attacked a few times. The house would feel super hot and I would get super dizzy and a few times I blacked out. One time I saw a great horned owl because the owl had big feathery horns on the head and the animal head spirit was in the corner of the room. This one really traumatized me for a second. I saw tons of animal heads in this household one was even a crow and had a body like the other animal spirit head. Also no I wasn't on drugs or any medications. I also remember hearing a rattling staff one time and I was getting pecked at on the sides of the ribs. However the house we're in now is just me and my dad and when I get my son for two weeks. Nothing seems really ''OFF'' about this house or someone ''ELSE'' isn't living here. The horrible past in my 20's which has further put me in a traumatized frenzy .So I'm getting this out of the way for people wondering why MY boyfriend has to be kept a secret whenever I do decide to get one well let's make this clear so I can get this out the way. When I was 20 the stupid years were coming so I decided to join POF and go to their meetings. I've no idea why I did this. I had no reasoning. I was being f'ucking stupid. Well I did date someone there but what happened was he changed into another person. His bandmates got him to do drugs like acid and shrooms and I'm sure his band mates made him do both at the same time this is why I have a hard time trusting musicians now. Well to me he seemed possessed in a sense and I know all of you are going to say go get some mental help or you're over exaggerating. No I know what I saw and I wouldn't make $hit up. and I'm the only one in the family that has semi well sharp intuition. Well....I'm not saying the whole entire story but let's just say something happened with one of my family members the police couldn't control him and they had to gun him down. It was so bad they had to call the swat team because he was going berserk. I don't know what nobody says some kind of ''entity'' can possess you if you're on those kinds of drugs and I believe and researched that doing those kinds of drugs if you meditate or into other ritual crafts you can invite a dark entity upon not knowing. Which I've done deep research and have listened to someone that we lost contact with. Most people need a Shaman while meditating on drugs like acid and shrooms and harder drugs. I will type out part two later tonight and part three. Also for people wondering yes I know weed isn't a drug but let me tell you about why I hate weed. I've only met one guy on here and that is all that puts his life and friends priority first. What I mean is I've met a few guys more than 5 on Alt Scene that put weed first before everything else. What I mean is one guy I wanted to get him a Christmas gift for Christmas because we talked for two months and a half and we were great friends so I thought let me ask him about if we can exchange gifts. Well he is like I can't send you a gift I spent all my money on weed and now I've to pay my bills. I'm like WHAT?! Just keep in mind I was asking for a $13 item FREE SHIPPING. I can understand if the item shipping price was expensive but wasn't! How would you like/feel if I told you I'm sorry I used my aunts cleaning money on myself to buy a new outfit just for me. I'm sure you would be pissed off and be disrespected and angry. In the end I blocked him. You might find this dramatic. But what he did to me was blew all the thoughts I had about him as a good friend and a good person wasn't true. HE CHOOSE WEED OVER A HOLIDIAY GIFTS. Just like my son's dad that lives in a trailer park and only sees his dad at his mom's house because my son's dad ex found a picture of my son's dad smoking a joint with his friends and there was a few booze bottle behind the table. This explains why he gets his phone bill cut off because he rather buy that on dope. Hell my son's dad and I only talk when chatting to sign him up for school. I remember one school year he told me now now now Tara you know how my money is and I can't give you 60 bucks of my tax refund money. After that we never spoke and I suspected now he probably used his tax money on weed. Weed has ruined my life. I've severe trust issues with people that smoke weed and that is the final verdict. asked me. Nobody said anything to me on here. I think seeking attention is stupid. Just like the people on Snapchat stories or IG post showing them smoking a big joint puff. Like seriously? Are you that dehydrated from attention? LMAO. Please just stop and end the pain on that. Most importantly I got nothing to hide. I'm pretty much sure. Someone on here. Or whoever might ask about my past. Well I can type that out instead of repeating what I'm typing out now and can save the pain and heartache and the dampened psyche afterwards. But anyways before I go onto more dark stuff of my past and MY STORY. I just feel really defeated that I'm the one adding people to talk to me. Like what is the point? This is just down right embarrassment if you ask me. Like am I this unattractive people won't add me or send me a direct message? Like am I really that bad looking? That nobody won't click on my profile? Like holy $hit but that's how real life is to. Very rare will someone come up to me and strike a conversation. Most kids look at me like I'm foreign alien or something. I don't know how I'm just in regular dark colored active wear leggings and a t shirt and some Nike sneakers. Some pink and white ones the Nike color for logo is bronze red....there was no black color in my size GO FIGURE that's how shopping is for me if I really want something either A not in my size or B out of stock
but for Mother's Day I was told by my dad that he will take me and my to go buy some black pair of Nikes. But back on subject like why? Do I look weird? Do my bags in my eyes look that bad? I mean my eye is just kind of sunken in from lack of sleep but I been thinking what to do to fix that problem I've not tried collagen yet to help with that problem but I will. I know Fish Oil is good for skin health but I really haven't been taking that long to see results I only taken that for a 3 weeks and most of the time your body needs about a month and a half or two before the supplement is fully absorbed into your system. My other thoughts are does my pale skin look alarming? Does my stature look weird? Does my legs look weird? I don't know what makes people so terrified to come up to me and talk to me or stare at me in public. Very rare will someone come up to talk to me. I try to replace this negativity by showing people I'm not scary if a elderly woman or man drops something or a child drops his or his toy from the shopping cart. I will either say A hey your kid drop his or her toy or B I will ask if the elderly person needs help if he or she can't reach the shelf and if I'm not in a hurry and I see a person with only a few items in their basket I will let them go first. Most of the time I get a shocked reaction. Like damn WTF? Also please don't ask me why my fashion is sporty mixed with video game t shirts don't ask maybe I given up on buying a gothic wardrobe which all my gothic clothes from several years ago found in storage no longer fit me as I can't fit in a size 0 anymore or a XXS/XS anymore. Which yes active wear leggings is 10 times cheaper than a gothic pair of skinny jeans from s**tty HT anyways on eBay once in a blue moon I can find a size 3 in Lovesick or Royal Bones and Tripp but not often! So back into the dark space. What happened that day May 1st 2017 and that year? Also I did something foolish back then I tried exercising my ex's mother's house which had four portals open. I was only able to close two then my RED FLAG TO GET OUT OF THAT HOUSE LIKE NOW was this. I was pushed back on the couch my own spirit guides lessened the spiritual attack push to me but I started to feel choked on the couch and I couldn't see anything or know where reality was all I could hear was glass shattering in my head and shrieking noises in my head. I felt like this was going on for five minutes. My spirit guides were trying to fight was on top of me but was only barely enough strength after more minutes had passed everything seemed gone. I no longer after this happened I no longer practice exorcising ever again. But I was a dumb naïve 20 something year old and this was all around when I was in my 20's through 24 years of living. I was dumb and stupid live everyone on the block we all done something extremely stupid in our years at this age. But back on topic my ex was possessed and I saw what possessed him that day when he busted into my mom's house while my son hid and I hid to call the police my mom gave us barely enough time to tell us to go hide. However he must've dragged my mother into a bathtub or something I didn't see her when I walked out because I could hear him come to my hiding spot so I had no choice to come out but as soon as I came out the police busted the door open just right as he was about to hold me down. His voice was different. I didn't recognize his voice. He went berserk. The police couldn't stop him. The police had to call a swat team which I could see from my neighbors window because as soon as I got free from him I ran out of the garage door to my neighbors house. I had a vision as he got shot by the police. I saw a blue and black standing reptilian with a black cloak on his head. The next day I had a dream the reptilian was laughing and I saw the image by the old house and the front door he was laughing and he showed his face to me....and I don't wanna keep writing about this I'll just move on to a different topic about my drug addiction So around fall I started to have extreme violent aggression. I could no longer control myself or my anger. I'm not going to discuss the scene do to the fact this page blog is already long and I really don't want to talk about what I did I feel highly uncomfortable. So someone called the police on me out of worry. The police gave me two options go to jail or go to the E.R. ( I told them about what has happened with my Mom and I don't know what is wrong with me as I started to revert back to normal out of outburst) so when I went to the hospital I found a few interesting facts 1 was I had a bladder infection for a month and a half and the doctor was looking at me like how did you not know that?! That's dangerous! I was really half dazed after taking some unknown medication given to me by the person that offered me some kind of medication? I think Prozac? The doctor he was so f**king pissed at me he goes why did you take someone's medication that she gave you?! You should never take medication if you don't know what it is! Shortly after I blacked out I woke up from a Skype call to a psychiatrist. She asked if I was suicidal and if I wanted to hurt myself. Also just to let you guys know the one that Skype called me she already knew what happened to my mom and sense she knew I didn't know what grief was etc and what I was experiencing she didn't send me off to a mental home. However when I got back home I was mailed a court order and I must go to this court meeting from my son's dad side of the family so what happened was I got a paperwork that I must receive 6 months of therapy and I had to show signature proof by both my psychiatrist and therapist and send them off to my son's dad and family side every two weeks as we're split custody. If I didn't do this then I would be admitted for jail for being UNSAFE as I had to sign the court order paper I would do this. But my son's dad's side of the family thought about giving me a chance because of what happened with my mother. Anyways which my Medicare was going to expire at the end of the year (that's a whole another s**t show why I got denied four times and this year I'm going to try to reapply but there is so much s**t going on in my life right now I had no time but this is a situation nobody won't give a f**k about so I will never talk about this) so I saw a psychiatrist and a therapist for six months there that's when I started getting hooked on of brand Zoloft and Xanax because with Medicaid you get generic off brand stuff I became an addict for a year and a half. However my Medicaid was up and I stopped going to see my psychiatrist which is $500 with no insurance and my therapist was a few hundred so I HAD TO FIND A WAY TO STOP. That's when spirituality and the samurai code save my life. Many people think spirituality is insane or psychopathic behavior but spirituality saved my life. My well and whole being. I will explain the last part on my next and final blog however if you want to know more physical more about me here you go. I might have to make a fourth blog if things don't fit so maybe one or two more. I will finish in a few hours before bed. One day three years ago I meditated on Xanax off brand and booze. I was in a lotus position of course this all happened as my lost of my mother this how I would cope. But what happened was I was shown the Abyss. I could see everything that or I visited the Underworld. All I saw was the prismatic hues and the highest colors of the psyche. Then all I saw was the rattle chains of the abyssal or whatever and a roar of a serpentine and I was shown a gigantic 🐍 this snake had gem like eyes of purple gems and the scales glowed emerald green and had purple gems coming out of the body. But the strange s**t is I really couldn’t feel my body at all everything was black around me. But a few hours later when I somehow got back to “reality” I was in a kneel spot and my head was tilted to the side. To be honest maybe I died that day. Maybe I was built into THAT prototype. If you want to know more physical stuff about me etc just ask. So I don't really have much to touch up here I don't think. The thing is you probably think you didn't tell us EVERYTHING. Well this EVERYTHING IS probably s**t you don't give a s**t about. Like do you want me to tell you step by step why I got denied Medicaid a few time? No? Thought so! Also why I didn't apply this year? No why would you give a s**t about that? Because you don't the thing is I'm okay now. I got my problems fixed and I'm seriously glad that I got that court order to induce and force help. Otherwise I don't know where I would be. I could also tell you about the time how disturbed I was way before we moved into that ''old house'' how I saw what the brain eating disease effected my dad's Mom at 87 and the look on her face when she died in her nursing bed. How mentally disturbed spiritualty and mentally I felt inside a nursing home. I could go on and on but this is enough. I feel some things are better kept myself because you just don't need to keep hearing me nagging on and on and on and on and by then I would've typed out Tara's history book. But all I got to say is if anyone on here is a nursing home worker. Props to you. Because you need mental strength of an Ox and a heart of steel to work here. But I don't think anyone or anyone on this planet wants me to make a Tara's life book that should be kept private. I should also state speaking of family my Mother's mom is dead I've zero grandmas. Even though I found out my my Mom's Mother apparently called me retarded. My aunt told me in the car the one that her teeth feel out she told me did you know your grandma Ethel told your parents and when your parents picked you up from watching you that Ethel told your parents that do you know that your child is retarded? Also please don't ask me why she said this. I never asked her at all she was just randomly ranting in the car. When she is on pain pills because of her bad back she acts weird and I even asked my sister about this behavior and she goes she knows our aunt is a different person on pain pills. Anyway back on the topic. Then shortly after that she told me that is when my dad was bound to prove to the family that you weren't retarded and I don't know why he did all the doctors thought I had ADHD for 10 years straight and dumb doctors thought ADHD meds will cure my Autism if I had any and I was misdiagnosed. I go no I had no idea my grandma Ethel said that and my aunt goes. True story she said that because I was there I had to go pick something at the house while your parents pulled up in the driveway. This effected my psyche level for a week till I brushed that off. But I will say thought that I could also talk about how anti gay my family is except my sister because everyone is brainwashed by the bible my teeth fell out aunt thinks Satan created this virus and when people die from the virus that Satan walked the street and someone got touched by his claws and died and when this virus is over a new Jesus will be born. WTF? My other aunt swears there is an angel dancing on her street. WHAT THE LIVING f**k DID THIS BIBLE DO TO MY AUNTS? Anyways enough is enough right? I think this is more than enough insight to tell you why I act the way I do and why I'm this way today. If this doesn't speak to you or gives you any reason or right to tell you that this isn't a good enough reason to act the way I do today then you're f**ked up. But I can tell you why that I might be gone from online websites just a maybe just like Alt Scene and why I left. Same reason applies here. Nobody was interested in talking to me or adding me even though I kept signing in every 10 minutes to show recent online. The messages I would get if I ever got any were. Hey babe. You're so pretty. I wanna make out with you. You're so gorgeous. I also had an Iran guy on there ask me to be his queen and his inbox header was marriage request LMAO. I also had a guy on there that was 51 say I know I'm to old for you but let's be friends so I can take care of you and pamper you LMAO. But did any guy that complemented on me on my looks said anything about my hobbies? Nope! None! So I was almost close to the edge of leaving but then I started posting about what happened to me etc. So what happened then? Whelp I posted what happened to me just like on my blogs and that backfired. Many guys thought I was attention seeking and making this story up. I'm sorry but whoever makes stuff up like this is severely demented and needs more help than I do. Even when I showed the 911 report of what happened to my mother the person said I made that up....even though the link was shown in snapshot I just edited a highlight to mark out my mother's name and other family names that can be easily looked up on a background check. Which reminds me someone on Alt Scene did do an illegal background check on me but I didn't take legal action because he was from Canada and he deleted his profile on alt scene and never returned back I looked for him never could find him I recently looked a few weeks ago. He found what has happened to my mother and after that HE LEGIT TOLD ME on Google Hangouts he admitted to the background search because I thought giving my last name two years ago was harmless but SOMEONE probably on Alt Scene probably snitched on me and probably found out that I was talking to him and told him the news article was fake but he found the article and did some more research after what he read and further researched he was traumatized and disturbed and he blocked me on Google Hangouts and deleted his account and never showed his face online. He never made another account. He never messaged me again or tried adding me on my social platforms. He deleted himself. Like off the face of the Earth I guess. Another thing that happened to I had a few users on there that told me now sweetheart and darling or hun that has happened to you three years ago about your sexual and physical abuse and your mother you should get over that and this doesn't give you the reason to act this way you need to move on. I was also labeled psychopathic and insane for being spiritual and different. Ironic for a website for alterative people. Know people story before making fun of them.DOPE or NOPE. Other stupid opening tech videos or strange videos or mystery 📦 items. Somethings are WTF? That exist online? LMAO. CJUGames. This is another genuine horror YT player. I can't really stand YT uploaders that start screaming and yelling for no reason and really wasn't a scary part. Does she play any other content? Why is Gab Smolders my all time favorite? She play an assortment of things on her YT. Some people have unfollowed her for this and keep on saying where is the horror In my wolf eyes there is so much horror games she could play before she gets so burnt out she loses interest. She also will translate Japanese to English if the so said video game has enough interest. Anything I don't like about her ❌ Yeah when she supported freeing the protesters that were in jail doing a live stream and raising donations for the cause. She is very lucky she has quality content otherwise I would've unsubscribe to her. However she only posted no more than four times about BLM freeing the jailed protesters. However I don't know many female YouTube people like her or do similar things with content as I made this profile title. If you do know any females like Gab that does the similar range of YouTube content let me know. But don't think this is me saying ''replacement for Gab'' no because she stopped. But one YouTube person wasn't so lucky and he should've kept his comment to himself on Twitter. Anyone know the Black Butler Roast YouTube person? If you don't you can look up that and you will find him. Anyways he posted something similar to this that people that don't want to see BLM is part of the problem and he probably posted this because just like me I stopped logging into Instagram for a for a few weeks to stop seeing the violent post etc on IG. Excuse me? That's pretty much judgmental. Did you once think before posting that status comment on Twitter that some people have PTSD or mental illnesses? Some things can cause triggers like mine. Such as I had stated before I to log out of Instagram for a week or two because the violent images and videos were triggering my PSTD and I was starting to notice a mental damping to my psyche. So I decided I will take action for my mental health and log out. If you're wondering how bad I would say nothing extremely massive but enough for my self-awareness to kick in telling me my thoughts and psychological level is changing. So I logged out. But for him to say that ''WE'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM'' is so judgmental. I'm sure not once in his head did he think ''anyone with mental disorders or getting triggered by graphic images or videos?'' I'm sure his answer would've been no. For him to post something like that is something ten times worse than what Gab did. Never did Gab once say on her Twitter that ''WE'RE'' the problem and if my memory serves me right I remember that Black Butler roast guy pointed the finger tons of times and Gab hasn't posted anything recently about BLM. In my personal belief some people and celebrities should keep quite about their belief about political and what they stand for in racial matters etc. Because like that guy YouTube Black Butler Roast will never have my view count or subscribe ever again. That crossed the line. Extremely tasteless. Disrespectful and judgmental ❌ Pikasprey Blue this is probably the only person I can tolerate when yapping throughout the whole entire YT stream. His voice isn't really annoying or louder than the video game music himself. So he gets a A in my 📚 and that's why I don't subscribe to commentary YT if the voice is louder than the video game music or the video game character speaking 📚 Asprey his brother's videos are also good and I thought their Mario Party video with their friends were hilarious to me 😹😹😹😹 dansg08 is also a good one I love his voice as well or when I want to find a high quality FF Let's Play with no commentary. I think the internet is also why I can't view anything higher than 720 HD -1080 HD. My dad buys T.V. 📦 Internet cable bundle set 📦 so you can pretty much just think how slow the internet really is 📦 Cinemassacre 😾😾😾😾 and I also have other YT subscription that belong to my young prince and I also have some models and their blogs on my YT subscription. The most ironic thing is I hate cooking but I watch cooking shows? LMAO I know makes no sense 🍳🍳🍳🍳 Catching on watching RuPaul right now on both the newest seasons 🌸🌸🌸🌸
💖 For engagement/marriage I would love Serah's necklace from Final Fantasy 13! I will leave the ring as is because I done more research the ring comes in a size 7 that is attached to the necklace. I wear about a 4.75 or 5. A 1000-5000 + ring doesn't impress me nor do dull 💎 and I would say Serah's engagement necklace is over $300 bucks depending on condition. Also wedding dresses don't impress me. I rather have a Loki hoodie and a designer brand pair of joggers/pants and something more practical that I can wear everyday outside than have something sit in the closest for a eternity 😹 Shower products I use. Maui Moisture Watermelon lightweight moisture. This also has zero sulfates and silicones and also says no to a lot of chemicals for $6.97 this is your cheapest bet for a no silicones/sulfate free product. V05 strawberries and cream and this is also a very conditioner that has zero silicones this is by far the cheapest conditioner you can get with zero silicones. Have not tried other scents yet besides this one because the ocean refresh and the avocado one made my hair itch and was to heavy for my hair. I might try kiwi or the smoothie ones. But I think my hair just don't like avocado or sea kelp to begin with. Body wash. I really love SoftSoap berry scents which I'm moving to. I want to try Dove's gentle exfoliator with sea minerals. Toothpaste I just off brand Dollar General everything this place also has non whiting sensitive toothpaste for $3. As I stated before my boyfriend doesn't have to match this or doesn't want to use the same scent or wants to use a different one that is fine. Matching phone cases will be a Loki case or a funny squishy case with a funny design there is even bubble-wrap or pop it phone cases out there. My contacts are 📸 neosuitbahamut0892233 and Snap 🌚 beelzebubpants 🌚 🚿
Yes I've more information jut ask or if your into seeing people's poetry let me know! I'll share and speaking of sharing let me know who you are if you add me online! Ya silly dongles of the dongles and also make sure to read my comment on my Skyrim profile picture to know something about me and also a taste of my spiritual writings I do 🚿
My mind is Saturn
My heart soared in Jupiter
My home is Neptune
- From the planet Neptune 🚿
