I think I come from another world. In a social context; is that I had such an isolated adolescence. I was the reject, the social outcast, of my school. I was shy and bookish and believed in being honest about my feelings. I wasted a couple of years trying to conform and fit in. By the time I was 16, I gave up. I went into a long period of self-imposed isolation. In retrospect I think I pretty much invented myself by defining myself as the antithesis of my peers. I sought to negate those who had rejected me. Used negativity in a positive way.
So I emerged from exile at about 17 with a custom-tailored image and a set of beliefs derived from music and intense self-invention. It was around this time that I found a social group outside of school. Some of them were runaways from abusive homes, some were just kicked out of their homes by their parents, some of them were junkies who couldn’t afford housing and some of them were punk rockers or hippies and some of them had come to Kelowna. to escape the quiet hell of suburbia or rural North America. A lot of them were punk rockers or Goths and some didn’t have any particular style at all. I absorbed the history of punk- and a lot of hallucinogens, nitrous, stimulants, and downers. I dyed my hair: red, purple, blue, green… and took to wearing mostly black. I quickly got used to all the jokes made at my expense on the street.
A lot of punk-rockers, goths and other self-styled rebels have experienced social rejection like my own. They are the ‘different’ kids, the artistic ones, the sensitive ones, the ones who didn’t care about joining a sports team or cheerleading. The shy kids who don’t know how to create protective facades. The ones who didn’t wear the right clothes. Mine could be the story of any “freak” a valid if painful process of coming into one’s own. Lonely self-invention can yield dramatic results. From it emerges a person with a strong sense of individuality and a loyalty to one’s fellows in suffering. Introspective, analytical, intellectually curious and generally thoughtful. A deep-rooted attraction to anything mysterious and supernatural. Akin to that is an acceptance of – and healthy respect for- all things sinister. Beauty in the dreadful and forbidding. Bound up in a creative personality.
My nature is fraught with contradictions. Hardcore romantic, dreamy realist and cynical idealist. Find beauty in the macabre, while seeking fairness and tenderness in daily life. Love all things ancient, while being modern and liberal in social outlook. Intelligent and creative without being cutthroat and competitive. Angry yet peaceful. Sure of self yet wary of strangers. Funny but bitter. It’s a form of realism. The world is harsh and unjust.
I will always root for the underdog: for the homosexual, the racial minority, the lone artist, the poor, the oppressed, the cheated, the outcast, the scorned and ignored. To be human is to be flawed. To be modern is not to accept oneself as one is but to take oneself as an object of a complex and difficult elaboration by turning one’s body, feelings and very existences into a work of Art. An authentic nugget of selfhood, I can simply make up any self I choose despite social situations in which identities are formed. I don’t belong to Hell; nor yet Heaven. What the species I once belonged to could not bear to be. A cry from the heart expressed inner torment at being unable to communicate with those around me. The artist who does not fit into the world. Authentic alienation- teenage angst transformed into a shy punk being who can never fit into my surrounding. I’m pretty much against society. The failed socialization of the outsider; weird and mysterious. A mortal subject to time, decay, and death tormented by demons I do not understand, unsatisfying s*x, and unfulfilled desire. An endless longing for a love that can’t be named. A grief that knows no object. An absence that fills me with a sense of dread, nihilism and funeral mystery. Visions of life that is not only pointless but failed, cruel, and macabre. My pleasure in the unknown. Spiritual isolation and failure to assimilate. My perspective is eclectic and involves the idea that life should be full of spirit, free from narrow constraints. My life is a post punk, literary, pre-Christian, sexual non-conformist, avante-garde mythology. Imagine where life ends and Art begins…
Music i'm into and don't wanna add to this side board thingy:
Nirvana, Marilyn Manson, Nine Inch Nails
Gary Numan, Danzig, Jesus and Mary Chain, Kyuss, Lard, Fear factory, Jerry Cantrell, Stabbing Westward, Autolux, Nitzer Ebb, Jello Biafra/Dead Kennedys, Ministry, Babes in Toyland, L7, Pig/Watts, Garbage, Queens of the Stone Age, Alec Empire + Atari Teenage Riot, System of a Down, Tool/Perfect Circle/Puscifer, My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult, Joy Division, Alice in Chains, Front Line Assembly, Front 242, Amen, Distillers, KMFDM, Rammstein, Renholder/Damning Well, Faith no More/ Lovage, Deftones
Cat Power, Megadeth, Melvins, Mudhoney, p**no for Pyros/Jane’s Addiction, Sweet 75/ Eyes Adrift , Foo Fighters, Guns N’ Roses, Manic Street Preachers, Die Warzau, Sister Machine Gun, Pigface, Rollins band/ Black Flag, Bad Religion, sex pistols, Die Antwoord, Tori Amos, Hole, Bikini Kill, Soundgarden, Pearl Jam, Beck, Smashing Pumpkins, Velvet Underground, Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, Pink Floyd, Doors, Sepultura, Soul Fly, CKY, Static X, Skinny Puppy, Snot, Slipknot, Killswitch Engage, New Order, N.W.A., Germs, Neil Young/ Buffalo Springfield, Suicide Commando, Christian Death, How to Destroy Angels, David Bowie, Limp Bizkit, Korn, Rage Against the Machine, Rob/White Zombie, Silverchair, Filter, Beastie Boys, Everclear, D12. Econoline Crush, Tripping Daisy, Throbbing Daisy, Tatu, Cradle of Filth, Day Glo Abortions, Butthole Surfers, Sunny Day Real Estate, Pantera, Slayer, Public Image Ltd., Orgy, Air, Chemical Brothers, Death In Vegas, Gang of Four, Birthday Party, Bad Seeds, Crass, Swans, MC Chris, Primus, Ugly Kid Joe, Green Jelly, A Certain Ratio, Cure, Sisters of Mercy, Helmet, Collective Soul, Veruca Salt, Sleater Kinney, Depeche Mode, Echo and the Bunnymen, INXS, R.E.M., Duran Duran, Kraftwerk, Bush, Oasis, Blur, Pulp, Wire, Buzzc**ks, Sloan, Iggy Pop and the Stooges, Happy Monday, PJ Harvey, Screaming Trees, Tad, Arcade Fire, Queen, Alice Cooper, Stone Temple Pilots, Two, Beatles, LCD Soundsystem, Hatebreed, Murderdolls, Ramones, Pixies, Violent Femmes, Jimi Hendrix, Monster Magnet, Schwein, Slick Idiot, Shotgun Messiah, SKOLD, Suicidal Tendencies/ Infectious Grooves, P.O.D., Hed PE, Brainiac, Powerman 5000, Sonic Youth/ Thruston Moore, Twisted Sister, Smiths/ Morrisey, Peaches, Propoghandi, Circle Jerks, Saul Williams, Public Enemy, 10,000 Homo DJ’s, Green River, Mother Love Bone, Temple of the Dog/ Alice MudGarden, Soul Asylum, B52’s, Cramps, Weird Al, Dave Rave Ogilive/Ogre/ Jackalope, meat Beat Manifesto, Eagles of Death Metal, Run DMC, GWAR, Prong, Phil Collins/ Genesis/ Peter Gabriel, Axiom Funk, Ice T + Body Count, Jesus Lizard, Dinosaur Jr., My Bloody Valentine, Motorhead, Anthrax, Crystal Method, Moby, Black Label Society, Johnny Cash, Adam Ant, Elastica, Stone Roses, Republica, Godhead, Prick, Type-O-Negative, Coal Chamber/Devil Driver
Section 25, the Wake, The Names, Current 93, Scraping Foetus off the Wall/Lydia Lunch, Faithless, Maria Excommunicato, And Christ Wept, Cruciform, *****s of Babylon, Sisters of Mercy, Mater Noster, Redemption, 13 Candles, Inkubus Sukkubus, Cries of Tamnuz, Specimen, Genitorturers, Gothic s*x, Love Like Blood, Lacrimosa, Die Form, Sleep Chamber, barbitchuettes, More machine than Man, Spanking Machine, Nuns, Bozo p**no Circus, Call , Seelenkrank, Midnight Configuration, Athamay, Demonix/Gitane Demone, Acid Christ, Haujobb, din_fiu, Switchblade Symphony, Hate Dept. Crispy Ambulance, Daisy Chainsaw, Siouxie and the Banshees, alien sex fiend, the Cult, All about Eve, Lycia, s*x Gang Children, Southern Death Cult, Faith and the Muse, Waterglass, Dead or alive, Nullstadt, Dead can Dance, Cocteau Twins, Bel Canto, Rosetta Stone, Placebo, the Mission, Bauhaus, God’s Girlfreind, SPK, UK Decay, Einstuzebde Neubauten, Test Department, Danse Society, Play Dead
