Ladies, are you tired of men who don't return phone calls, kill spiders, or spend time with you? Are you tired of short men that can’t reach things of the top of your cabinet?
Have you wondered: Are there are any men that actually know the difference between commitment and involvement? Have you been waiting on a man who will love you completely?
Well, wait no longer!!! Due to the wonders of genetic engineering and a vending machine condom, the miracles of science have produced "The MORTALEZ-1.0".
No longer do you have to spend weekends alone! Gone are the days of killing your own spiders and getting things off the top shelf has never been easier!
The MORTALEZ-1.0 is guaranteed to call you, respect your feelings, keep you warm at night, tell you your cooking is good, give neck rubs AND THATS NOT ALL!!!!!
The MORTALEZ-1.0 is also a good protector as he did a 10-year period as a bouncer at various drinking establishments. The MORTALEZ-1.0 is guaranteed to protect you from
spiders, mice, stray dogs and ex-boyfriends and if you call now, we’ll throw in a free smile. That’s right! ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!
The MORTALEZ-1.0 has been programmed in the ways of love by 1980's John Hughes films and music from The Cure, The Smiths and many other bands with "The" in their name.
The MORTALEZ-1.0 comes in a sturdy 6ft 5in package and comes equipped with his own place, his own car and his love comes with a lifetime guarantee.
But wait! That’s not all! The MORTALEZ-1.0 also cleans up nicely so he can accompany you to the mall, "all you can eat" buffets and sci-fi conventions.
The lifetime guarantee includes: Faithfulness, caring, cuddling and “That dress doesn’t make you look fat”. And all this comes at the low price of ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! THAT’S RIGHT! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!
And all you need to qualify is the time to invest in a relationship plus a heart to give and receive love.
Respond now: Operators are standing by.
Legal note: Lifetime guarantee is contingent on successfully completing to the completion of your life span the adherence of said terms: faithfulness, love, and respect. Offer only extends to those living in the DFW area, preferably in the Tarrant County area. While offer is open to all females regardless of ethic origin, females of Central/South American, Latin Caribbean, and or Asian/Pacific Island genetic origin have been found to be most compatible with the MORTALEZ-1.0.
Ok here is my choice making criteria.
1.Does she want a real relationship or have time to devote to a relationship.
2.Do I find her attractive.
3.Are we mentally compatible.
4.are we sexually compatible.
5.Does she live in my city(don't do long distance)
6.Do we have the same taste in movies, music, etc etc.......
7.Does she not have kids or have older or adult kids..(I avoid those with younger kids.)(exeptions being if father is an active part of their lives or extended family watches them sometimes)
8.Does she show affection(not the same as s*x).
9.Does she have male friends(I avoid that like death)
10.Does she like to go out all the time( High maintenance)
11.Does she drink too much( people do stupid things when drunk)
12.Is she faithful(go without saying but if the others are in check this is taken care of)
13.not hung up on an ex.
Do to recent events a few more have been added.
A. " No friends first" is not an option(not here looking for friends mortalez 1.0 aready have those and dont need anymore).
B. slow movers' we are not getting any younger and the mortalez 1.0 wants to find its life partner while all parts are functional. also time is short so if there is no attraction dont bother contacting for if you have to think about it you are not really into him.
C. are you hard to reach. mortalez 1.0 wants to be wanted, if you dont interact with the mortalez 1.0 dont be upset when he seeks another client. cell phones are mobile after all.
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Product Expectations
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Are You looking for a rich guy? do you like going on trips to exotic locations?
Have you dreamed of sipping champagne in the south of france? well so do I, unfortunately thats only going to happen if I win the lotto or have a rich uncle I dont know about. but what I can offer is more valuable than any of those things. I offer my love and my time, money can always be replaced but love and time are oh so valuable. I offer something the wealthy have sought for years a personality.
Do you have a heart and a strong back(to help me collect cans on the highway) I offer to show you the world(one train at a time). I have my own home and a car old enough to be graduating college, I enjoy watching movies, bbq'ing meat I found on sale and holding you all nite(saves on the heating bill. Now if you are still reading this you may ask why admit you are poor? why brag about being broke? well my answer is this would you like to know now or later
